How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
