My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
