I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
