everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
