He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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