do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
