just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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