Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
