I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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