Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
