I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
