rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
