oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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