Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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