Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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