Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
