The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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