and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
