My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
