I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
