yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
