We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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