she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
