he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
