my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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