Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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