i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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