Too much gin, very little bucket
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
