Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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