If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
