I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
