JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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