Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
