How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
