Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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