Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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