why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
