Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
