I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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