God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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