So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
