I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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