You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
