I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
