Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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