he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
