So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
