I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
