Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
