There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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