the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Drake has all the answers
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
