I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
