he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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