nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
