I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
