My balls are so social today.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
