what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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